look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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