I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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