I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize