it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
