Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
