I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
