i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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