12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
sex in a hospital.. check
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
