i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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