nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
