I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
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