my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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