Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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