Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
