First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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