I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
