Little spoons don't ask big questions
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
