I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
