and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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