Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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