I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize