I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
