i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
