You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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