i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
