what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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