apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
