Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
