So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
