I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
