Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
