The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
