What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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