What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
