woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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