My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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