My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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