I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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