From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
