I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
