Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
