Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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