at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
