the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize