We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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