i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
