i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize