could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
