There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
