if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
