The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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