You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
