I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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