I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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