I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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