went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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