My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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