If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The adults are the big ones right?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
