on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Randomize
