then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize