My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
