Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
